France to have another revolution over "burkini" ban

France is to have another revolution, their third this week, over the burkini ban.

A number of coastal towns in France have decided to ban the "burkini" with the mayor of one town saying he did it as "a safety measure" and "to protect everyone, including the women wearing the burkini.

However on Friday a French court overturned the ban calling it "illegal and clearly racist".

But one mayor said this is not the end stating "their rules and laws mean nothing here, they think they know what's going on but they don't know shit.

He went on "if they think they can impose their will on us they're mistaken, we'll march on Paris and tell them straight, not in my town.

This will be France's third revolution this week and it's only Monday.

The first was at 7am CET as a local bakery failed to supply enough baguettes which lead to the townspeople to march on Paris and the second revolution happened at 9am this when it as revealed a farmer named his Napoleon, which is a crime in France.

The Farmer said "why should an ancient law bother me, I love my pigs, it's a nice name, why should I care?

Football commentator calls his wives cooking audacious, emphatic and absolutely sensational

A football commentator has today come out in praise of his wife's cooking calling it "simply amazing".

Speaking to the Daily Mail about the new series of Bake Off, Sky Sports football commentator, Martin Tyler, said he "enjoyed cooking but he wasn't a patch on what his wife can do as she repeatedly produces performance after performance in the kitchen.

In the interview he said "the other night she cooked me a five course meal, she served up a delightful performance starting with a bean and pea soup, I told her that I thought it was something to build on but she would have to buck her ideas up if she wanted to achieve her best.

He continued "next came the fish, it was an improved performance on what I'd previously seen.  Very solid.  

Talking of the main course he said "It was such a terrific performance, audacious cheeky almost. She'd been a little inconsistent of late but this was emphatic all round performance, it was absolutely sensational.

He concluded by saying "I like Bake Off but theres a long way to go yet.  What I like about the final is it's LIVE!!

A couple stranded on an island in the Pacific Ocean order a take away by writing message on beach

A couple have written a message to order a takeaway, which was then delivered, despite being stranded on an island.

Terry O'Hara, a builder from Surrey and his wife Elaine who used to work in accounts were sailing around the Pacific when they became stranded on an uninhabited island.

Terry said "yeah we lost our way and got taken off course. We didn't know where we were and then saw the island. We landed but couldn't launch so were stranded there, then I though why not just stay here and call for a takeaway?

He went on "we found some plants and stuff, were able to make the words big enough and managed to write out an order.  I had a curry and she had a burger and fries.

CCTV footage released by Jeremy Corbyn shows Richard Branson was going too fast

Jeremy Corbyn has, in an ironic twist, provided CCTV footage of Richard Branson "going too fast" before crashing his bike on a mountain on his island Virgin Gorda.

Branson originally stated that he had just hit a bump in the road but the video provided late last night by Jeremy Corbyn shows that the Virgin owner was in fact speeding.

It comes just days after Branson released CCTV footage of Corbyn playing with his train set and claiming that Branson had stolen one of his trains.

The CCTV footage showed the train clearly in view but Corbyn just couldn't see it.

The Labour Leader replied to the claims by the entrepreneur tax exile saying "someone put their bag on it".

Corbyn said of the footage of Branson speeding "I think it shows the man for who he is.  Speeding is wrong, always, but lying about it is far worse.

Upon seeing the footage Richard Branson said "I was going down hill so obviously I'm going to go fast as I gain momentum.  Just because I was going faster than one of my trains it doesn't mean I was going to fast, our trains are crap.

"Take that, Brason", says Universe

The Universe has taken a harsh dig at entrepreneur and tax exile Richard Branson making him crash his bike.

Earlier this week, Branson released CCTV footage of Jeremy Corbyn on one of his trains.

He did so after Corbyn had earlier claimed that he was unable to find two seats together so that he could sit with his wife.

Branson released the CCTV footage to dispute this claim saying there was "plenty of space" as there was "hardly anyone" hanging to the outside of the train.

After the press release on Tuesday by Virgin Trains there was a backlash towards Branson from Corbyn supporters stating that he was a tax exile who was buying up the UK's public services, not least the NHS.

It was released today that Branson, who was on one of his islands, is badly bruised after crashing his mountain bike.

The Universe said "yeah, we did it, after what he did to Jeremy Corbyn earlier in the week we just could let it lie, we tweaked a bit of fate and then the accident happened.

Magna Carta will be scrapped say Government

The Government have today announced they will scrap the 800 year old Magna Carta calling it "outdated and unfit for use"

Justice Secretary, Liz Truss, speaking in front of a crowd of baying wolves said "it's time to move on, we no longer need it, we're going to take out what isn't need it and replace it.

The document dates back to 1215 when England was full of luscious green rolling hillsides, forests and you could leave your door open without anyone taking anything, mainly because you had nothing to steal.

It was written when England was ruled by the evil king John who used to eat babies (probably) and was unliked by lots of people who he said were jealous of his good looks and fast cars.

The document was the result of of an uprising by a group of rebel barons who wanted things like swift judgement and protection from illegal imprisonment.

The announcement has lead to much shock and horror from human rights activists.

Jenny Luck said "I just don't know why they would want to do this, any bill of rights should be an extension of what we already have, not a rewriting.  What is going to be different, what do they want to scrap, I don't get it.

Nigel Farage to speak at Donal Trump rally after Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot and Genghis Khan were unavailable

 Nigel Farage is to speak at a Donald Trump rally this evening as other far right leaders were apparently "unavailable"

The two met at a Nazi rally in the 1980s and have been good friends ever since.

Trump said "I like Nigel, he is a good man, he better bring a white sheet, I'm taking him to a Klan meeting afterwards.

Farage couldn't speak highly enough of his friend of his friend, Trump, calling him his 'idol'

He said 'I love to watch the big man speak, it takes me back to the Enoch days. When I watch him I get all teary eyed and I have to look up old white supremacist videos on YouTube.

It's unknown what Farage will say but some experts are suggesting that he'll talk about his days travelling around the world discovering about other cultures and learning how to treat all of the human race, regardless of ethnicity, as equals.

Science is boring, give me aliens says layman

A layman who has a passing interest in astronomy has criticised an announcement by the European Southern Observatory about the discovery of a new planet close to our solar system that could harbour life.

The ESO said it's discovery is "groundbreaking" as never before have we found such a high probability of life so close to our solar system.

However not everyone was as elated with the news as the ESO were.

A layman going by the name of Geoffrey Jones said "it's not spectacular, we get this sort of announcement every few months, it's not that big, give me aliens, I want aliens.

He continued "we spend all this money on this expensive stuff, sending things into space to look at rocks, we have rocks on Earth, why go into space to look at rocks?

"It says at the beginning of Star Wars that it was a 'long time ago', think about that, we're so far behind them.  It says in Space Odyssey we should have come into contact with other beings by 2001 but we haven't, ET was early 80s.  I loved that film and every night for five years I looked out of my window to see a spaceship, it never happened.

He finished by saying "I'm bored of it now, to be honest, I want something big, I want aliens.

Trains in the UK are perfect, say commuters.

Trains in the UK are perfect, say commuters.

British commuters have today come out in praise of the country's railways saying that they're the best now than they have ever been.

Speaking as he travelled from his home in Eastbourne to a conference in Chester, commuter Nick Mason said "they're fine, in fact they're better than fine, they're perfect.

He continued "it always makes me laugh when you hear people say the train they always get is always packed.  Always so packed that you managed to get a seat, is it?

Another commuter, Jenny Grainger, said she liked how exotic the trains are saying "I've travelled on trains all around the world and ours are certainly not the worst.

Speaking as she clang on to the side of her train from Grimsby to Hereford she said "see, it's not all bad, plenty of fresh air.

A third commuter, Gary Peacock said "I travel from my home in Kent to work in London and I have no problems with it.  Sometimes it can be a big game of Tetris as we defy physics to fit everyone in.

He continued "I like the togetherness we share, I was travelling home one night a few weeks back and the train broke down. We got out to have a look at what happened and it turned out the donkey had died.  It didn't bother us, I just got my guitar out and we sat round and sang songs until a replacement donkey arrived.

Vatican "suddenly finds" new alternate version of the bible ahead of big astronomy announcement

 The Vatican has announced that they have suddenly found a new version of the Bible that indicates that the Earth is not the centre of the universe like the original Bible first claimed.

Instead, this latest version, dubbed "the new word of god", states that the Earth is one of many similar worlds and that the people, who were made in God's image, are one of many similar species, some of which live on these "other worlds".

A spokesman for the Vatican said "we stumbled upon this new document while looking for the Pope's copy of the latest Beano, it's certainly very revealing, it's the biggest thing to happen to the church since, well, ever.

The new find wasn't without it's controversy, however, as some people were slightly less convinced about the new findings, ahead of a new announcement about finding a new possible "second Earth".

Scientists, Dr Nick Serosha, head of physics at the university of Utah said "The ESO (European Southern Observatory) is announcing the find of a new possible "second Earth" and I wonder if this new find has got anything to do with all these new planets we're finding recently?"

"Over the past 20 years we've been finding new planets faster and faster.  A new planet, in the right circumstances, could be the ideal place for us to find life.  Finding life elsewhere in the universe would break the Catholic Church so you can't blame them for trying.

"I would have thought them finding out that this planet isn't the centre of the Universe would have done it but no, sadly not, they carried on through that and they keep stumbling on, old and decrepit from one disaster after another.

Owner of large train franchise admits to not knowing what reserved seat tags look like

An owner of a large train franchise has shocked commuters by admitting he doesn't know what the tags to mark a reserved seat on one of his companies trains looks like.

The unnamed owner made the comments after he boarded one of his own trains and without bothering to book a seat and just decided to sit in any random seat.

Sadly, however, the entrepreneur didn't realise that the seat he was sitting had a reserved tag.

Reserved seats are available for anyone to sit in up until the point from which they're reserved but once the person who has purchased the seat comes to claim their seat it must be vacated for that person to take their seat.

When the seat owner arrived to collect his seat the company owner refused to move, not realising whom the seat actually belonged to.

The seat owner, Tim South, recounts the encounter "At first I didn't realise it was him, it happens all the time, people sitting in my seat.  I tell them and them they move but he just weren't having it.  I went off to get the conductor who came and sorted it out.  Fair play to the conductor though, he looked a bit embarrassed having to tell the company owner to move but he did it.

The company owner later said "yes, I was in the wrong but how was I supposed to know what they looked like?  I hardly ever ride our trains.  They're often late, over crowded plus they smell, I'm far too good for that.  I usually travel by hot air balloon or if I'm really in a rush I go by helicopter.

Jeremy Corbyn to appear in new railway documentary, Train Seat Spotting

Jeremy Corbyn, current leader and candidate to be the next leader of the Labour Party, is to appear in a new documentary about how the poor state of the British railway network, called Train Seat Spotting.

A spokesman for the Corbyn team said "when Jeremy was approached by the filmmakers he jumped at the chance, he loves trains, what well raised, right thinking adult doesn't, but he doesn't like the current state of Britain's railways.

One of the film makers, Phil Naysmith said "we were looking at who we could make the face of the film and when we thought of Corbyn there was no-one else we wanted.

"The Olympics are over now so please refocus on us" say reality TV stars

Reality TV stars have reacted angrily at being ignored by the media in recent weeks as people's attention was diverted towards the Olympic athletes who spent four years training in their events for a brief moment's attention.

One former Big Brother contestant, who's name we forget, Kelly something, said "it's been awful, the last few weeks, I've been leaving nightclubs at 4am which is the time I agreed with my agent so she could get some photographers down there but there haven't been any.

She wasn't the only one that reacted angrily to "undeserving" sports stars who have actually achieved something grabbing all the attention. That fat one that went on Britain's Got Talent, Gary something said "What is it with this country?  I was told by a talent agency that all I had to do is go on Britain's Got Talent, sing and I'd get the call. I couldn't sing but they said that wouldn't matter. I've been overlooked for someone that spent the last four years getting up every day at 5am to go running and I ain't happy, it's just not fair.  I can't get enough attention to generate work so it looks like I'll have to go back to Tesco to see if they'll give me my old job back.

Agent to the stars, Stella De Hoy, said "They (wannabe stars) have to be smart, the public don't have an attention span long enough to concentrate on too many things at once and the media know that.  Everyone is going to be focusing on the Olympics so the media's job is easy. They don't even need to leave their flat and they can write stories.  We're advising all newbies to come back next year or at least leave it until the Autumn.

But one hopeful isn't giving up, some girl called Gemma who is hoping to make it big on the X-Factor in the autumn is hoping to use athletics to her advantage, she said "I got gold in my school sports day so I can relate, not with the hard work bit, obviously,  but with the rest.  Plus my rabbit died last year so I have the sob story.  I hope it works, I have my autobiography coming out next year", said the twenty-year-old.

We might actually have to decide who has the best personality to choose BBC Sports Personality of the Year say experts

Following the most successful Olympic Games in over 100 years sports commentators, journalists and former sportsmen and women have speculated at how the BBC Sports Personality of the year will be decided.

The decision of who wins the award goes to a public vote who select from a list of ten who are whittled down by experts.

But some are saying that even getting a list of just ten could prove to be an impossible task.

A spokesman for the expert committee said "it's a difficult year for us, normally we give it to nine random people who have done well and have one standout winner which is usually whoever wins the Formula One as it finishes at around the same time as the ceremony.

The insider who didn't want to be named went on "failing that we give it to Murray, it's controversial but some people like him.

"How are we supposed to get it down to ten, I would have preferred it if we had a shit Olympics but we had one plucky loser whom we could all get behind and cheer him or her along only to finish fourth, preferably after a penalty decision by a judge so that we had someone to blame.

The insider went on stating it wasn't a happy Olympics for everyone in the UK "I was looking forward to seeing one of our athletes tripped by one of their competitors only to get up and apologise to the person that tripped them, that's the British way.

Another insider caused controversy asking can the British public be trusted given their recent voting history saying "Look at their recent voting history, I wouldn't hold my breath that black immigrant, Mo Farah, will be getting many votes.

He said "With so many to choose from we may need to actually pick the ten based on their actual personality like it says on the award, not who the media picks like in a General Election.  Who knows, the winner could be a darts player from Chiswick just because he has a bubbly personality.

It wasn't just the BBC that were having a headache.  The government, who have to select the people to receive notification in the New Years Honours list were also having trouble who to nominate.

A government insider said "normally we just do the a few celebrities, a journalist or two, maybe washed up retired Shakespeare actor, a TV personality doing some charity work with disabled kids and a couple of milkmen but now we've got all these athletes, it's a nightmare.

He continued "We'll probably find out in the future that they were rapists, paedophiles and murderers but right now they should be rewarded.

"I'm going to make America great again by rejoining the British Empire" says Trump

The Republican Party's US presidential candidate, Donald Trump, has sparked outrage by declaring that he wishes to make American great again by rejoining the British Empire.

The controversial politician was speaking at a rally and was taking questions from the media when he made the comments.

He uttered his empty campaign pledge of "make America great again" when a journalist asked him how he would go about this Trump simply replied "by rejoining the British Empire"

The audience gasped in a cliched manner only for Trump to reply "I'm serious, since 1776 we've gone backwards.

Trump then went on a long, uninterrupted rant where he stated "the militia fighting for American independence were terrorists and I hate terrorists, their actions are not to be celebrated.

"I blame the French for leading them on, that must been the time when the French weren't on strike, I heard about that time.

Trump continued to insult the French by saying "Their (American militia) actions' started a war, won by the French, back when France used to enter wars, shortly before the French people had a revolution of their own, riding themselves of royal rule, karma's a bitch, eh Louis?

"That was France's first revolution, they have one a week now, yeah, I hate the French" Trump stated.

Trump then took a sip of tea from a Union flag mug raising his little finger as he poured it into his mouth.  As he did so he looked to his left and asked "like this?"

"Look at the Olympics", Trump stated "the top two teams joining forces, just imagine.  The US will never be very good at sports like darts and the British are never going to be very good at sports that you need to be sober to do.

When Trump was told that darts isn't an Olympic sport he shouted "well it should be, it's just a small version of the javelin, they let people fire guns and shoot arrows, why not darts?

Trump then reminded everyone of his British ties "I have a golf course in Scotland and it's my most successful business yet, it's the only one that hasn't gone bankrupt.  Plus I love the royals, it's funny, when they were in charge we hated them, now we can't get enough.

Trump then put on his long red coat, picked up his musket and turned to walk away.  He turned back and shouted "long live king George" before departing the stage.

"Nobody is going to believe I'm dictator material unless I grow facial hair" says Farage

MEP, anti-EU campaigner and former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, has explained why he has suddenly decided to grow a moustache citing the reason as being that he wants to be believed as dictator material.

Former banker Farage who campaigned heavily to leave the EU says he dreams that he will one day rise to power and rule as a benevolent dictator, overthrowing democracy but says he needs to look the part first.

Farage said "they go hand in hand, don't they, dictators and facial hair.  They all have something, Hitler, Stalin, Hussain, Thatcher, they all have some hair growing on their faces, it's time to step up.

People say they're not sure where Farage will go from here after he resigned as leader of UKIP following the EU referendum.

One voter, Jack Jones, said he isn't sure what is next for Farage stating "I don't know where he can go from here, usually it's the pub but personally I think he needs to visit the barbers.

Another UKIP voter, Lucy Flagstaff, had nothing but praise for Farage and his new moustache saying "the man is a legend, he won us an independence and should be give the freedom of the UK.  

"I hope they put his moustache on the statue", she added.

Pokemon Go to become Olympic Sport in time for Tokyo 2020

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced yesterday that they can guarantee they will make sure Pokemon Go becomes an Olympic sport in time for the next Olympics in Tokyo in four years time.

Traditionally sports were added to the roster if they were popular in the country where the games are being held, ie beach volleyball in Barcelona, Spain in 1992.

The games in 2020 will be held in Tokyo, Japan where currently a popular pastime is running around your neighbourhood to catch Pokemon.

An IOC statement released yesterday said they're not sure how things will work right now but they're "looking into making it work".

Pokemon's creators, Satoshi Tajiri and Ken Sugimori said they're delighted that something they helped create will be viewed by a worldwide audience as people played it.

A joint statement read "Ever since we created Pokemon it's been dream come true after dream come true.  A TV show, films, computer games, smart phone games and now an Olympic sport.