When is it okay to fuck a dead pig?

Never.

Corbyn refused to sing karaoke

New Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has caused outrage this week as he refused to partake in his local pub's karaoke night.

Corbyn attended the event which takes place weekly, every Friday night.

It is said that a friend put Corbyn forward to sing without the left winger knowing anything about it.

Corbyn was surprised to see his name called out but slowly made his way to the stage with cheers coming from his supporters.

The music started and the words appeared on the screen but when Corbyn refused to sing he just stood there, silently.

His stance has caused a fierce debate in the karaoke scene.

Charlotte Gibson said "I know he didn't put himself up for it but he was up there, he could have made an effort, it doesn't have to be any good, that's the point"

However one of his supporters, Steve Anderson said "It was out of order putting him up for it, if he doesn't want to sing it he shouldn't have to".

Thousands of refugees are trapped in Hungary until at least January as transfer window slams shut

A large number of refugees from the Middle East and some from North Africa are thought to be stranded in Hungary without a chance of moving on anywhere for at least four months as the transfer window crawly slammed shut on them yesterday.

A spokesperson for the Hungarian government said "we tried to get some of refugees deals sorted elsewhere in the EU but it was difficult, some didn't have the right paperwork like work permits etc, a few of them didn't even have agents.  How did they expect us to find them somewhere to go?

The migrants who are said to be fleeing the harsh conditions of war, famine, lack of decent food and clean water have come to Europe in the hope of finding a better life. Many of them were hoping to make it to Germany but it is now thought they will have to stay in Hungary until January.

The Hungarian spokesman said "we might be able to loan some of them to countries where the window isn't enforced for a few months and then they can move on when the window reopens.  If we do loan a few thousand of them out then we'll nearly have as many loaned out as Chelsea have.

Wenger: I went into every single newsagents and bought all of their panini stickers but couldn't find the players I wanted

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger reacted angrily last night at not being able to "find the players" he wanted as he looked to complete the perfect squad in stickers.

Wenger said "It's frustrating, I've got the money, I just don't seem to be able to spend it wisely, no matter how hard I try."

It's not clear what players Wenger needed but it's thought a striker was on the top of his shopping list.

A spokesman for panini said "Specific stickers can be ordered direct from our online shop if Mr Wenger would like to try on there."

When we put this to the French manager he said "I don't know about that but I've contacted all the other managers and asked if they'd do any swapsies but none of them got back to me.  I've left voicemails, sent emails, left messages with them at their clubs but no-one bothered to respond.

Tony Blair: Corbyn needs to go back to old new Labour, new new Labour just doesn't work

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has crawled out of his cave to show his discontent at people voting for a socialist in the Labour leader election.

Blair took time out of his humanitarian work in Palestine to attack the socialist Jeremy Corbyn by accusing him of using 'Alice In Wonderland politics'.

Blair said "I think we can all agree that traditional Labour is dead, nobody wants to go back to that.  I introduced new Labour as a way of introducing a fresher approach to the Conservative way of thinking.  No-one likes the Tories so I introduced their policies under the Labour brand"

Blair was speaking as he donated blood on the Gaza Strip and said "Now Corbyn seems to be introducing a new form of old Labour, it's horrible. All of my hard work now appears to be undone.  I remember the days when the Sun published pro Labour headlines and it was me going horse riding with Rebekah Brooks, not a Tory.

Once Blair had finished giving blood he got up, put his jacket and said "now do you mind, I've got mouths to feed" as he made his way to a soup kitchen on the West Bank.

Harry Redknapp: I'll be available if any sports journalist wants to come and talk to me through my Land Rover window, just for old times sake

Football manager Harry Redknapp has said that he will be available for a live on camera chat to any sports journalist today as it's the last day of the transfer window.

Redknapp is renowned for his dealings in the transfer market, especially on deadline day and traditionally it has been a popular image to see him live on sports news channels talking to reporters through his Land Rover window as he discusses potential signings.

However Redknapp is currently out of work which means the FA has set the time of the window closing to the earlier time of 6pm on Tuesday 1st of September, rather than the usual 11pm.

A spokesman for the FA said "that without Redknapp there just isn't the need for those extra hours so we're cutting it short."

However Redknapp has said he will be available if anyone wants a chat.

Redknapp said "I've had a couple of news channels get in touch and they say they're interested, we're sorting out the final details but it'll happen.  I'm going to be driving around to services on the M25 and I'll text them clues as to where.  They'll need to get there in time if they want a chat.

A spokesman for Sky Sports News said "Yeah, we're doing this.  No-one wants to sit there watching the same rubbish on a continual loop all day so the demand for fresh content is high"

As David De Gea deal falls through Real Madrid say "We didn't realise they'd sent a fax"

The long running saga over the on/off David De Gea transfer from Manchester United to Real Madrid spectacularly feel through last night after it appears Madrid didn't realise that United had sent them a fax.

A spokesman for Madrid said "We have a fax machine in our club office but nobody has used that since 2003, ironically the last time we used that was to complete the transfer of David Beckham, also from Manchester United.

The Spanish goalkeeper has now been left in limbo over his future unsure where he'll be playing this season.

The Madrid spokesman said "We feel for the player, if Manchester United are still using fax machines then what equipment do they use during training, medicine balls?  We were sat waiting all day waiting for the email, I even missed my siesta waiting for it to come through.