Mourinho: We're trying to be retro

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has commented on his teams poor form that has seen his team pick up only one win in the opening four games of the Premier League this season.

The outspoken Portuguese manager said 'Everywhere I turn I see people talking about how things used to be, about how they're fond of their childhoods and how much they miss yesteryear.  So I think to myself okay, let's bring back the Chelsea of old.  I looked at the Chelsea of the 1980s, everyone loves the 80s and I've tried to replicate their style of play, results and the form of the era.

The 1980s was the most turbulent decade of Chelsea's history.  They spent most of that ten year period in the the old Second Division and we're very nearly relegated to the Third tier of English football.

Things weren't much better for them off the pitch either, the club very nearly faced bankruptcy and was eventually saved by Ken Bates who bought the club in 1982, took on the club's debts and turned Chelsea into the major force in English football that attracted current owner Roman Abramovich to buy the club in 2003.

Mourinho was speaking in a press conference after their 2-1 defeat at home to Crystal Palace yesterday, a result which has seen them have their worst start to a league campaign for 44 years.

He told a shocked news room "Hey, why are you laughing, it's true, we're trying out retro Chelsea.  We're bringing in an obnoxious old man that looks like Father Christmas' evil twin to run things on a day to day basis, hopefully the blue 'Save the Bridge' buckets will see the light of day again, I think we've still got some knocking about around here.

'Fans can help too, feel free to invade the pitch during a game if you want or smash up your own stadium or even public transport.  If they do this enough then we can have electric fences again.  Other ways fans can help is by not bothering to turn up at all, hopefully we'll get relegated and play in front of 8,000 at home to Rotherham again, that'll be fun.

Mourinho completed by saying 'We're bringing Kerry Dixon out of retirement, his shorts will need to be bigger than they used to be but hopefully still be skin tight and we're looking for a computer company that wants to sponsor a cup competition that only we're interested in so at least we can still get a trophy at the end of the season.