Mourinho: We're trying to be retro

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has commented on his teams poor form that has seen his team pick up only one win in the opening four games of the Premier League this season.

The outspoken Portuguese manager said 'Everywhere I turn I see people talking about how things used to be, about how they're fond of their childhoods and how much they miss yesteryear.  So I think to myself okay, let's bring back the Chelsea of old.  I looked at the Chelsea of the 1980s, everyone loves the 80s and I've tried to replicate their style of play, results and the form of the era.

The 1980s was the most turbulent decade of Chelsea's history.  They spent most of that ten year period in the the old Second Division and we're very nearly relegated to the Third tier of English football.

Things weren't much better for them off the pitch either, the club very nearly faced bankruptcy and was eventually saved by Ken Bates who bought the club in 1982, took on the club's debts and turned Chelsea into the major force in English football that attracted current owner Roman Abramovich to buy the club in 2003.

Mourinho was speaking in a press conference after their 2-1 defeat at home to Crystal Palace yesterday, a result which has seen them have their worst start to a league campaign for 44 years.

He told a shocked news room "Hey, why are you laughing, it's true, we're trying out retro Chelsea.  We're bringing in an obnoxious old man that looks like Father Christmas' evil twin to run things on a day to day basis, hopefully the blue 'Save the Bridge' buckets will see the light of day again, I think we've still got some knocking about around here.

'Fans can help too, feel free to invade the pitch during a game if you want or smash up your own stadium or even public transport.  If they do this enough then we can have electric fences again.  Other ways fans can help is by not bothering to turn up at all, hopefully we'll get relegated and play in front of 8,000 at home to Rotherham again, that'll be fun.

Mourinho completed by saying 'We're bringing Kerry Dixon out of retirement, his shorts will need to be bigger than they used to be but hopefully still be skin tight and we're looking for a computer company that wants to sponsor a cup competition that only we're interested in so at least we can still get a trophy at the end of the season.

Children's TV Fun House set to return to determine who is made a Lord

1990s children's TV show Fun House hosted by Pat Sharp is set to make a come back with the top prize being made a Lord.

The show was a regular hit with youngsters of ages ranging from 5 until their early teens but it is thought the revamp will be aimed towards adults.

Ideas about how the show is structured are thought to include who can waste the most amount of money in a spending spree with the larger heavier items costing more.  Each contestant is given a fictional amount of someone else's money and they have to come up with increasingly creative ways to waste that amount.

There are also suggestions that the contestants would have to take part in make believe scenarios like starting wars in various countries and whoever can create the most refugees will win the points.  

Other scenarios are thought to include thinking up creative ways to reduce national spending by killing off disabled people unable to work and how to change an edgy liberal political party go from being popular into a down trodden party that no-one would ever vote for.  Whoever can get the lowest number of votes will make it into the "Fun House". 

TV producer Andrew Gibson said "I feel this is a great idea, the contestants will compete over a five year period and then when it's done the winners will be announced.

Speaking from his office at Ivory Tower House, Gibson went on "Thankfully it's only a bit of a laugh and thankfully not based on real life events.  We tried to come up with ideas that are potentially possible so could be realistic but fortunately nothing too bad and something that we can all have a good laugh at.

Immigrants, the unemployed and disabled people cause stock markets tofall

Stock markets world wide have fallen into turmoil and experts have said that too many people in disadvantaged positions are the cause.

Andy Pun, an economist with a right wing newspaper that doesn't pay tax said, just look, we've got people who are claiming too much money without putting anything in.  What do these people do when they've been burgled, they call the police, so they use our services but don't pay anything in?

The news comes as stock markets around the world have tumbled and it is thought that rather than blaming reckless spending by banking bosses, the cause is from those who indirectly affect things from the bottom of society.

Pun went on "It's inevitable that this would happen, you've got disabled people living in houses with extra bedrooms that they don't need, unemployed people refusing to work long hours for a pittance and immigrants who are fleeing war zones for the chance of a better life.