"We'll invoke article fifty for you" say group of Japanese road repairmen

A group of efficient Japanese workmen that repaired a sinkhole in two days have offered to invoke article fifty for Theresa May's government stating "we're noticing it is taking a bit of time"

The men did a remarkable job to have the road reopened a week after the sinkhole first appeared following two days of repair and further days of tests to make sure the road was safe.

The men, who worked tirelessly around the clock, stated they would have had it done sooner but there was 24 hours of bad weather.

Now the workmen are looking for a new project, a job that is taking others a long time but that they feel should be done quicker and they've cited invoking article fifty as a possibility.

One of the workmen said "yeah, we had a look and we've spoken to some people, it's a little different to what we're used to but who knows, it could work.

A spokesman for the government said "any help on this that anyone wants to offer we'd be greatly appreciated, we haven't got a fucking clue what we're doing.

He continued "hang on a second, are you recording?"

Although another one of the workmen isn't so confident of making it work stating "you see we're used to being paid by the hour, seeing how this should take about half of one of those is it really worth that?  I just don't know?"

Secret moon civilisation say they've been given best view of the Earth in 78 years

A secret ancient civilisation living on the moon have announced how they've been given the best view of the Earth in 78 years on Monday.

Speaking in special broadcast from inside hidden bunkers on the moon the secret part-human, part-alien race said that the Earth looked really pretty and that they were sure that the inhabitants were living really peacefully and united.

The species has been there for thousands of years after visiting from a far off solar system and they've been routinely visiting Earth ever since to abduct humans, take them back to the moon and do experiments on them.

A representative for the aliens said "the Earth look really beautiful and peaceful, we can't wait to invade.

Negan to be the new Republic candidate in US election on November 8th says party spokesman

 The Republican Party has made a dramatic about turn in replacing their current candidate for nomination of the US Presidential Election next month, Donald Trump, with Negan, the star of zombie show, the Walking Dead.

Negan, the baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire wielding psychopath is the "ideal candidate" a statement read.

The announcement was made yesterday after season seven premiered on Fox on Sunday featuring Negan as the star of the show.

The statement read "Wall?  We ain't going to need no fucking wall, just wait until the Mexicans see what this guy can do, they ain't gonna wanna come here.

Since the announcement no-one has seen nor heard of previous nomination, Donald Trump, although it is thought that he met with Negan and is since recovering with a 'sore head'.

In a separate statement Negan said "I don't want much, just a bit of respect and to be loved by the people.  Oh and 50% of everything you have, aside from that I'm good.

Owen Smith asks Theresa May "how do you win a leadership election?" in questions given to Jeremy Corbyn

Owen Smith has submitted questions to be asked by Jeremy Corbyn at PMQs including the question "how do you win a leadership election?"

In the year that Corbyn has been Labour leader he has been asking Labour members to submit questions to him to be asked at PMQs.

The questions usually relate to housing, the NHS, education or how the Tories sleep at night, "is it upside down or is it in a coffin" was one such example back in February.

Smith took the opportunity to ask the for the UK´s second ever female Prime Minister for some advice.

Smith said "I´ve tried everything else, might as well give this a bash, see what she says, I might get some handy tips.

"We're going to look down the back of the sofa to find pension cash" says Phillip Green

Phillip Green, the owner of British Home Stores has said he will 'look down the back of the sofa' to find the required money to replace the pension money of his workers.

BHS went out of business and entered liquidation after closing it's doors for the last time at close of business on Sunday, the 28th of August.

Philip Green bought the business for £200 million when it was still on the FTSE 100 in the year 2000 and it became a private company.

Tied up within the organisation was the company pension scheme.

But as the company has since been liquidated and it is thought the pension went with it.

Sir Philip Green, knight of the realm, said "We'll have to find out what we can do, it's not all over just yet. We may find some cash down the back of the sofa, perhaps there is some laying around in one of my drawers in one of my many houses around the world.

He said "Besides, it's all in my wife's name, speak to her, she lives in Monaco.

Kaepernick should stand for the National Anthem" say people who never listened to it's lyrics

An American man by the name of Joseph Duffield has come out in criticism of San Francisco 49ers starting quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, after the football star refused to stand for the American national anthem, the Star Spangled Banner, despite never listening to it's lyrics.

He said "people died so that he might have the freedom to choose, I just don't think he is respecting that.  

Kaepernick stated last week that he doesn't want to stand for the national anthem as he doesn't believe in his country right now so therefore doesn't want to stand for something that he doesn't believe in.

This has caused mass controversy across the states.

One man by the name of Justin Manganelli said in an ill-thought-out Facebook post "Kaepernick was adopted and raised by white people, he should show some respect.  It's being raised by a white couple that got him where he is today. If he had not have been brought up by white people he may well have amounted to nothing.

Another Facebook poster by the name David Coil replied to this saying "So if he hasn't been adopted by white people and raised by blacks, he could say something?

He went on "So you're saying that if Kaepernick had not been raised by a white couple he wouldn't have been in position he's in, but then all these fucks say everyone has an opportunity to get out of any bad situation they're living in and live the American dream....hmmm.

A number of other people jumped to Kaepernick's defence, one, by the name Jenny Bergen said "If you listen carefully to the lyrics you can hear it say that Kaepernick has the right to express himself however he so wishes.  'Land of the free' - Freedom to stand or sit for a song, 'Home of the brave' - He was very brave to do what he did, he could get cut from the team for standing up, or in this case sitting down, for what he believes.

Twitter user caused controversy after starting poll asking if Katie Hopkins father should have pulled out early.

A Twitter user has caused controversy after asking if 'Katie Hopkins' father should have pulled out early whilst he was "screwing" her mother and then setting a poll with the options Yes, No, Should have been terminated, Should have been adopted by a Muslim family living in Libya.

The outspoken comedian, Jimmy Sullivan, set the poll on Twitter earlier today after Hopkins' latest controversial tweet devised to maintain her popularity and keep her talked about.

He said "there is just no purpose for this women, she's trying to be more and more controversial to keep her stock high enough for people want to talk about her, there is no purpose for people like that.  Should she not have been born?  It's not for me to say so I put it to a poll.

Hopkins refused to comment in reply to the controversy, allegedly because there is nothing from Sullivan's past that he can be criticised for, like kicking a woman in the head.